my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
