in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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