every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
