Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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