Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
