my being single is dangerous.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
