Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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