Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have fence marks all over my body
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
