Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
