it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
