Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
