A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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