a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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