She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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