i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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