nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize