the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
