So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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