I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Small penises have feelings too.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
