just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
