I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
