hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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