He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize