I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
