ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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