K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
