I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
