She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
