Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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