Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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