I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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