Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
