He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
