You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
