Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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