Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
