I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
