I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
