Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
