Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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