I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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