I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
