Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
