Umm I'm too high to move.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
