I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
