when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
