nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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