i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
