five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My vagina just recognized that song.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
