Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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