we made out on top of his cat.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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