It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
