Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
