someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize