gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
