you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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