Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
