Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
