Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
