Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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