every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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